Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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