Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
