I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Houston, we have a blender
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
