dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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