Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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