its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize