Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
