did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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