Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
