you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
