I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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