I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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