one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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