I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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