not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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