You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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