well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
