Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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