Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
