Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
