god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She just used a chaser for red wine.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
