She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
