This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
