so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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