Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
