She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
