nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
