Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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