At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize