I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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