when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
