You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
