she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
