Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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