So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Houston, we have a squirter
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
