I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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