Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
