Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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