I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize