Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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