There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize