No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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