YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
