First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
