how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
