good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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