This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
