kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
