My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
