He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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