Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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