whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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