Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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