Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
